Right now I don’t even know what to say. or think. or feel. or do…
I’m laying here in our bed…OUR BED…that’s to big, just for me…and I’m all alone…
There is only so many cigarettes I can smoke…and so much I can cry…
I feel as if my heart has been torn into a thousand pieces. I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel like I’m breaking you, and I’m breaking me. And I don’t know why.
I know why this had to happen. And I know a great deal of it was because I wasn’t strong enough. I’m not strong enough. And I’m so, so sorry. I’m not capable of carrying on like this anymore…
And I know this isn’t your fault. I know that you can’t control your mind, or your thoughts. I know that its so over whelming and so scary. I know that. But I just can’t handle it anymore…I needed you to be there for ME. I needed to be the one to be taken care of. I needed you to trust me. I needed you to love me enough that reality would beat out the paranoia. Every time. And I know I’m being selfish. I know that. But I didn’t know what else to do…
I couldn’t be there anymore. In that place. I wasn’t happy. Not anymore. And I love you with all of my entire heart. And this hurt so so much. But we can’t do this anymore. We just can’t be together…
And maybe once upon a time, we were meant to last forever. We were meant to spend every single day for the rest of our lives together. But I just feel like we aren’t those two people anymore…
I feel like we are both completely different people. That want completely different things…
and even though I love you more then I thought ever possible…Maybe that love isn’t enough…
Maybe it just comes down to the fact that the people that we have become aren’t meant to live happily ever after…at least not with each other…at least not right now…
I’d hate to think that you have doubted for even a second that I don’t love you…Its making it hard for me to breathe…My chest is literally just aching…
I can’t handle you saying that I am all that you have…I can’t handle you saying you will do something stupid without me…I just can’t…This is already hurting so much…all I’ve done for two whole days is stay in bed and cry…
Its killing me to see you go after all this time…But you need to find yours…and I need to find mine…
If we are meant to be together…one day, things may be different. I might bump into you on the street 5 years from now and feel like nothing has changed…But I need you to get better…I need you to want to get better…or at least try to get better…
But it doesn’t feel like you want that…it hasn’t felt like you’ve wanted that for a long time…and I don’t know how much more I, or anyone else who loved you can try and help you…You need to want to help yourself…
I’m rambling now…
I hope you know this isn’t easy for me.
“And we know it’s never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, no-one here to save me. You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand, And I can’t, Breathe, Without you, But I have to, Breathe, Without you, But I have to.”
One soul in a world of eight billion... 