Oh well, oh well.

“Why do you cry, when you’re falling asleep”

Sometimes, a broken mind, makes a broken heart.

Sometimes, you can be so loved and wanted, but feel so alone.

There is a dark cloud, that fogs your mind with bad thoughts and ill-intentions.

There is a feeling, like rotting in your chest cavity where your heart should be.

That makes all that is good, feel like poison flooding through your veins.

That makes all that is bad, feel like the weight of the universe, and all of its galaxies, and stars, crushing your heart.

My darling, I’m just so tired.

“Just keep breathing, just keep breathing”

When the insomnia keeps your mind racing, on an endless loop of unachievable wants, and hopes, and needs.

When the depression keeps your light fading, dimming more with every set back that comes your way.

And every step forward, feels like it’s met with a heavy tide, pushing you a thousand steps back.

And every step back, feels like its met with a round of applause, for all that you have lost.

Wanting so much more from this life, more than you feel you will ever be capable of deserving.

Wanting so much more from this life, more then you feel you will ever be destined to receive.

My darling, I’m just not strong enough.

“Just keep breathing, just keep breathing”

 

 

Sleepwalking.

Wandering through my days, 

As if I’m barely awake. 
For once, at a loss for words. 

Sinking inside my own head, 

My own heart. 

Nothing’s worse. 
I don’t know who I am anymore.

I don’t know what I want. 

I don’t know where I’m going.
I’m just so tired. 

I’m just so broken. 
“I’m at the edge of the world, where do I go from here? Do I disappear?” 

I just wish that I could click my heels, or snap my fingers, and make everything okay again. 

I just wish that I knew how to be okay again. 
Nearly one year being married to my love. 

Nearly one year of missing my friend. 
So conflicted. I’m feeling bipolar. 
Torn between loving one, and feeling guilty. 

Missing you, and feeling guilty. 

Is this forever now? 

Every month? Every year? 
It’s hard to bring to words. Hard to have these conversations. To who? When I feel so guilty for feeling either way? 
Even this post is a ramble. 

I’m making about as much sense as my conflicting thoughts struggling not to collide inside my mind. 
I’m finding it hard just to breathe. 

Oh, I know. I’m probably much to late.

Its the early hours of the morning, and I’m still yet to sleep.
I’m on my third cup of coffee, my hundredth for this week.

Because when I sleep, I see your face.
And my dreams are worse then reality.

I still haven’t faced it.
Haven’t convinced myself its real.
That you are no longer with us,
Leaving a hole in my heart,
That cannot be filled.

I just wish I could hear your laugh,
Or even just see your smile.
But I know thats a foolish thought,
And that I’ll be waiting for a while.

God only takes the best,
The angels needed you more.
So he gave you wings,
And you spread them, to soar.

But no-one here was ready,
For you to be taken away.
If only God could have waited,
Even for just one more day.

Your parents hearts are aching,
Your siblings are in tears.
They thought that they had you,
For many, many more years.

Your friends are at a loss,
Of what to do, feel or think.
The pain hits like a tidal wave,
And we are on a boat about to sink.

You bought so much colour,
And Laughter, and light.
Now I feel like I’m trapped in a movie,
That’s only been made in black and white.

I hope, my love, that you’re happy.
Looking over us all,
From up above.
Just know, that you are missed,
And oh, so very loved.

Goodbye Waves and Driveways…

Right now I don’t even know what to say. or think. or feel. or do…
I’m laying here in our bed…OUR BED…that’s to big, just for me…and I’m all alone…
There is only so many cigarettes I can smoke…and so much I can cry…
I feel as if my heart has been torn into a thousand pieces. I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel like I’m breaking you, and I’m breaking me. And I don’t know why.

I know why this had to happen. And I know a great deal of it was because I wasn’t strong enough. I’m not strong enough. And I’m so, so sorry. I’m not capable of carrying on like this anymore…

And I know this isn’t your fault. I know that you can’t control your mind, or your thoughts. I know that its so over whelming and so scary. I know that. But I just can’t handle it anymore…I needed you to be there for ME. I needed to be the one to be taken care of. I needed you to trust me. I needed you to love me enough that reality would beat out the paranoia. Every time. And I know I’m being selfish. I know that. But I didn’t know what else to do…

I couldn’t be there anymore. In that place. I wasn’t happy. Not anymore. And I love you with all of my entire heart. And this hurt so so much. But we can’t do this anymore. We just can’t be together…

And maybe once upon a time, we were meant to last forever. We were meant to spend every single day for the rest of our lives together. But I just feel like we aren’t those two people anymore…
I feel like we are both completely different people. That want completely different things…

and even though I love you more then I thought ever possible…Maybe that love isn’t enough…
Maybe it just comes down to the fact that the people that we have become aren’t meant to live happily ever after…at least not with each other…at least not right now…

I’d hate to think that you have doubted for even a second that I don’t love you…Its making it hard for me to breathe…My chest is literally just aching…

I can’t handle you saying that I am all that you have…I can’t handle you saying you will do something stupid without me…I just can’t…This is already hurting so much…all I’ve done for two whole days is stay in bed and cry…

Its killing me to see you go after all this time…But you need to find yours…and I need to find mine…

If we are meant to be together…one day, things may be different. I might bump into you on the street 5 years from now and feel like nothing has changed…But I need you to get better…I need you to want to get better…or at least try to get better…

But it doesn’t feel like you want that…it hasn’t felt like you’ve wanted that for a long time…and I don’t know how much more I, or anyone else who loved you can try and help you…You need to want to help yourself…

I’m rambling now…

I hope you know this isn’t easy for me.

“And we know it’s never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, no-one here to save me. You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand, And I can’t, Breathe, Without you, But I have to, Breathe, Without you, But I have to.”

Goodbye sky harbour.

Hope; noun; the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.
verb; to believe, desire, or trust.

So what happens, when all your hope is gone?
what happens, when you no longer believe?
When you no longer desire?
When you no longer trust?

In anything?

When you no longer believe, that there is any good left, in anyone or anything?
When you no longer believe life has a purpose.
When you no longer believe in yourself.

When you have no desire to even try? to arouse some sort of purpose?
When you have no desire to get up in the bed in the morning?

When you no longer trust.
Anyone.
Or anything they do, or say, or promise.
When you no longer even trust yourself.

When you believe that everything amounts to nothing.

What then?
The hope is gone.

You have nothing.
You ARE nothing.
You are empty.

What would I say to you now?

Sitting here, staring blankly at the calender,
When I realised what today would of been.

You would of been 2months old today.

And the more I think about it,
The more I think about who you might of been…

Would you have blue eyes like your mother?
and blonde hair like your father?

And would you sleep right through the night,
or keep me awake till the morning light?

and would you be a little angel,
Or a rascal?

Would you of grown up without a father?

I can’t help but think,
That we made a mistake.

I wish he hadn’t taken your life away…

Baby, I wanted you more then anyone will ever know.
There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think so…

I hope your smiling down on me,
Knowing we just weren’t ready.

Waiting for the time,
until your mine again.

My angel baby, rest a while…
Mummys right here,
waiting to see your smile.

And no matter how much time goes on,
I will never forgive him,
For taking away my son.

I’ve tried to see reason,
Tried to understand.

But the truth is,
he should of been a man.

Instead of making excuses,
and leaving me alone.

He should of stood up,
and claimed you as his own.

I love you baby,
always,
never forget…
Im right here, filled with regret.

Believe in what you want

I’ve drawn my own conclusions,
that life is far to short to waste
on regrets
and might of beens
and could haves.

Life is here, for you to fuck up as many times as possible,
learn from your mistakes,
but make them anyway.
take some fucking risks,
and dont be scared.

Life is here for you to live it,
so that at the end you slid in to where ever your headed when you die,
Drink in one hand, smoke in the other,
completly worn out,
saying “that was bloody fucking brilliant, lets do it again”.

It doesnt matter if you cry.
or you hurt.
or you loose people.
or someone breaks your heart.

because whatever doesn’t kill you,
makes you stronger.

be the one that got away.
be the one that feels nothing after their attempts to hurt you.
get up, dust yourself off,
and make them think it was nothing.

Hold your head high.
Hold your beliefs close.
Listen to your instincts.

Dance, Sing, Laugh, Cry, Scream.
Breathe, Live, Love, Hate.
Feel everything, as much, and as strongly as you can.

Don’t hold back, Because life doesn’t wait for anyone.

“Don’t bother going through your motions.
Nothing that makes sense ever works out.
Don’t kid yourself, you know they want money.
Nothing can be good on its own merit.

Spinning and spinning.
Do you believe in what you want?
Dancing in plastic, shake-up snow.
Do you believe in what you want?

Put your trust in simple acts.
Make the flyers get them up all over town.
Don’t kid yourself, you know its for money.
Please keep in sight what makes you care.
You have it always.”

Chase this light

My life is taking on new depth.
New paths, forging their way through my veins.
Im going to find my way,
Im going to fix this.
I want to be everything.

“Confetti rainfall, and the quiet street,
The beauty is in what isn’t said,
So im rising to my feet”

Thinking, thats all

why can’t life be exactly how you want it to be.
why can’t you succeed in whatever you wish to succeed in.
be as soulful as you want.
love the way you want.
love who you want.
and be loved by the person you want to be loved by.
learn fast, live fast.
be friends with amazing, wonderful people.
who in turn, make you a better person.
why can’t everyone have what they need,
when they need it.
family who love and support you unconditionally.
good health.
good luck.
enough wealth to make you comfortable,
but not enough to make you conceited.
why can’t promises be promises.
and why can’t they be kept.
why can’t everyone just treat eachother with equality.
why can’t you feel the way you want to.
why can’t you laugh uncontrollably, all the time.
why must there be hurt. why must there be pain.
why can’t life, be what you want it to be.
no millions of shades of gray.
just black and white.
what is, and what isn’t.

Here it goes

21 things to do before I turn 21:
1. Go on a roadtrip.
2. Be in a relationship I really, really want to be in/don’t be in a relationship im not sure about.
3. Go on a holiday by myself.
4. Learn a Language.
5. Renovate my caravan and make it roadworthy.
6. Get my photo proffessionally taken.
7. Own a damn expensive, designer handbag, and don’t feel guilty.
8. Kiss in the pouring ran.
9. Forgive someone for something I never thought possible.
10. Donate an entire weeks wages to charity.
11. Travel to a third-world country and make a small difference.
12. Go to University.
13. Have a piece of writing published in a magazine/newspaper.
14. Be in two places at once.
15. Buy a lottery ticket.
16. Save more then $2000.
17. Write a song and have it recorded.
18. Go vegeterian for a month.
19. Sell a piece of my own artwork to someone.
20. Stay up all night long and watch the sun rise over the city.21. Touch someones life in a positive way.